in my "prep work' Era

It's the end of June, and I 'll be honest everyone. The beginning of this summer has been below average. Recently, I have felt like all I've been doing everyday is prep work for a later date. Whether it's for this blog, or work, or even having fun with friends- there's prep work involved. Adulthood has come with an onslaught of responsibilities, and I feel like there is never enough time in the day to get everything done.

Today, for example (this was actually last week week when I started this post because I am so behind on doing everything all the time) , I am starting this entry on my lunch break, because after 4pm I need to run to Lauryn's house to pick up my leftover cowboy caviar, lunch box and sweater, after that I am in desperate need of a hair cut so I'll be hustling my ass over to Great Clips (YES, I said Great Clips and I'm not above cutting a few corners to save a buck. Sue me). After that Matthew and I need to grocery shop, and I want to put some work in on the Nightingale by Kristin Hannah, which was my book clubs choice for May, and I haven't picked it back up in weeks.

The best way I have found to give myself more peace, is to strategize. That mean's different things each week, maybe this week it means that I am going to meal prep my lunches, and next it'll mean knowing that I am going to have to scrounge for leftovers in the fridge when I run home to let Finn out during my lunch break.

Matthew and I have fallen into a rut I think- while I do feel like both he and I are making an effort to be more present and loving with one another, it's scary to feel like we're in unsteady waters. Sometimes I feel like I have ceased to be an individual and have my own life outside of my "together-ness" with Matt. It feels like we are expected as a package deal everywhere we go, and sometimes I want to hang out with just my co-workers or just my girlfriends, and there not be any weirdness around Matt's absence. I love Matthew and I know he loves me, but I don't think it's wrong to want to do things alone or apart. I mean we're only 23 years old not 35 with a family.

I try to keep busy with the little things in life- like painting my greeting cards and fiddling around with this blog, and that helps, but it doesn't really resolve anything. I need a therapist (I know and my mother has been begging me to do this for months at this point). But I just wish that the sun was out and I could absorb happiness through photosynthesis instead of manually searching for the good parts of my life everyday. I know that I have things to be grateful for, but I think that I unfortunately am a glass half empty type of girl.

To keep my life on track even while I am suffering without the sun, I make endless lists. You might hate the basic-ness of the task, but it's literally how I organize my entire life. The groceries we need, tasks to be done at work, chores that need to get done at home, posts I want to write on 'by the day,' books I want to read, ideas of things I want to try, and I could go on. There was surely a time in my life when I didn't create these, but I know that I run better in conjunction with my lists rather than without them.

My list for this evening is as follows;

1. Start/Finish one more load of laundry- this includes putting away and finishing the loads that are currently in the washer/dryer.

2. Make dinner (Goulash)

3. Complete this blog post as well as the book reviews that are slated for 06/30.

4. Brainstorm some style content

5. Wipe down base boards (specifically next to our couch where someone dropped a cup of coffee and never wiped it back up lol)

If I can complete these, then I'll set myself up nicely for tomorrow.

^ update. I did the laundry and make dinner. everything else went to the way side. Even writing this blog post is happening the morning of 12/30. Sorry besties. But it goes to show that no one is perfect.

I am looking forward to the rest of this weekend though! Matt bought us Koe Wetzel tickets for tonight and I'm hoping to catch the sun where I can despite the rainy forecast (but I'm begging for clean air Finn doesn't deserve this smog), enjoy the Farmer's Market, and photograph a family reunion on Sunday which will be cool to do. I think it would be cool to pick up photography as another hobby, just learn how to edit them well and be able to take cool pictures of my life? In college I did a pretty cool photo album for junior and senior year, and despite liking almost 0 of the girls I spent my time with, it does look like we had the time of our lives, and I love how well documented that time of my life was, and I want to do it again- but better.

This is all in an attempt to try and reconnect with myself and chase those interests that I find in myself. I know that I like to decorate and nest in my house, but it's basically perfect now (at least to me), I want to expand and challenge myself, but I feel a little burnt out.

This has been my little update for you all, the good, the bad, the real. Thanks for reading <3

with love,