Everything I've Learned about Friendship: Choosing People Wisely and Knowing what Relationships to Carry into Adulthood.

By the Day- oh how I've missed chatting with you! Today's post is going to be a doozy; I'm talking about friendships past and present, good and bad, toxic and healthy.

One thing about me is that I have a long line of ex-best friends. It's an insecurity of mine that stems from Elementary school and I have been unable to shake. It's definitely my biggest red flag; I've grown apart from all of my friends from college, if not had a huge blow up before parting way, and even in Elementary school I would make a new best friend each school year after spending the summer at camp. Considering this used to give me an incredible amount of anxiety, if I'm being honest with you guys, but, like I said in my last post, I've been able to sense my frontal cortex developing in the past year or so, and I can look back on a lot of these friendships of the past and recognize the faults of both myself and my counterpart(s).

Here's the thing about friendships, and it's something that I am just getting the hang of myself; most don't last forever. A big part of this is the people you accept into your life, and the expectations that you have of them and your relationship. Another is the simple fact that the world is a big place, and people spread like wildfire after graduation. Looking back, I know that I've miscalculated people's character time and time again while assessing our compatibility. I prioritized the people who were the most fun to party with, but failed to build relationships based on mutual care for one another. I recognize that the people I attached myself to when I was at my most insecure and vulnerable were perhaps not my 'people' like I thought they were at the time, but instead were pretty girls who liked to get fucked up and get attention from the boys who prowled our college campus. It turns out that 18-19 year old Tiffany didn't have it all figured out like she thought she did.

Friendships can end for a lot of reasons; I've had a friend blow up at me for wearing clothes she thought were too similar to her own taste, I've ended a friendship while grocery shopping and left two girls behind inside the store, I've had a girlfriend admit to intentionally being unkind because she was jealous of how nice my boyfriend was to me (not joking!!), even worse - I've seen girlfriends of mine piss in their ex-friend's booze bottles in front of me (that was one of the craziest things I've ever witnessed). So, when I tell you I've been around the block with friendships that have ended poorly, I'm telling the god's honest truth.

Don't worry, I can hear your skepticism now. "Tiffany, that seems like an awfully long list of "bad friends" you've encountered, do you really expect me to believe that you just didn't choose the right girls?" No, absolutely not. While I am obviously biased towards myself, I know that I didn't handle each situation with grace and kindness that I wish I would have. I know I was messy, and during my less stellar years I was unafraid to be a bitch. I wish I would have reacted less on emotion and with more patience. I pride myself in being a good friend, but my track record has a long line of people who may want to argue otherwise.

I can own my side of the street though. I have a flair for the dramatic that has reared it's ugly head many a time, but I'm pleased to say that post-college, I've handled my business with just a bit more finesse than I did before. This is not to say that I haven't had disagreements with friends, when Matt and I were leaving for Boston I was genuinely SO upset with 2 of my closest friends for not showing up for me before we'd left Iowa, and to be completely honest, I still fell into habits of being overly direct, and allowing myself to stew in my bad emotions until I was beyond hurt.

I think it's important to remind yourself that people aren't going to be a perfect friend to you day in and day out. I have a bad habit of putting the people I love and surround myself with on a pedestal, and devastate myself whenever I'm faced with evidence of their flaws. But I will say, it's a thin line between being mindful of the human experience, and allowing yourself to be used as an amenity by the people you've given access to your grace. I recognize that I've felt pretty used in a few of my relationships, and am currently trying to build boundaries so I can keep those friendships, but not allow anyone to take advantage of my helpful nature.

Now that we're grown - it's important to build relationships based on shared values, shared beliefs, similar hobbies, and I'm being patient with myself to source relationships like that with time. A lot of my closest girlfriends don't share the same ideologies as myself (political, religious, etc) and coming from the Midwest I've accepted that my leftist views are the minority. However, I look forward to making friendships that do align with those parts of myself.

If you're in the positon that you're considering whether letting a friendship die, or just recalibrating the relationship to allow yourself some distance, here are some questions to ask yourself.

1. How do I feel after spending time with this person?

   1. Do I feel as though they "fill up my cup?"

2. How does this person show up for me?

   1. How do I show up for them?

3. Does this person make me feel safe?

   1. Do I trust them? Do I feel judgement? Do I judge them?

4. Where is our common ground?

   1. What do you do together to have fun? Do you share the same values?

Take your answers and ponder them a bit. Nothing needs to be a hard stop, each relationship is different -some can withstand a bit of reshaping, others are all or nothing.

I believe the first step towards finding joy in those you surround yourself with is accepting a hard dose of reality. People are who they are, and I've found it's best practice to see them as they are, and know whether you can meet them where they're at. The next is having the discipline to feed the relationships you want to maintain. This is especially true for me since moving to Boston - neither Matt or I knew anyone in this city when we moved, so I wasn't willing to allow our bonds with everyone back home to crumble into nothing. I've made a pointed effort to catch up with friends in Iowa. If there is one thing you take away from this post - please let it be this; you must be willing to put yourself out there. Be interested in your friends lives, be present when you're with them, ask them to get together instead of waiting for an invitation. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to play it cool and nonchalant when meeting with friends, and I can only imagine how often I came across disinterested or self involved. Show up authentically, and be invested in the relationships you want to last. You may get burned, but you also may get a return on your investment.

To my friends who fill up my cup, you know who you are, I see you, I love you, and I appreciate way more than you probably know.

Thanks for reading, that's all I have for now,