03.10.2023 - beating the birthday blues

I have always hated my birthday, and I've always wished I loved it. Birthdays were a family affair when I was growing up, and almost always a disappointment. I always felt like there was a lack of effort, and that symbolized a lack of love from those around me. My grandma would always fly my mother and I down to Florida where she snowbirds during the winter months, but every year there would be an ice cream cake waiting (which I do not like) and I would just feel like she didn't even really know me. I know I am f*cking dramatic. I know I sound sh*tty. I am actively working on gratitude.

This past Friday I turned twenty-three years old. And I was determined to have a good day. I have reliable people in my life, I have people who are good to me. This is something that is new- I've had half ass friends for most of my life. I woke up early with Matthew and Finn, the former of which gave me not only 15 minutes of undivided attention to rubbing my back but the exact version of Veja sneakers that I requested. MAJOR fucking slay. Way to go baby! After that I went to work (even though Fridays are my WFH day AND Matt had the day off), attended meetings all the while my loving boyfriend was in charge of cleaning the apartment and prepping for our dinner attendees. I got lots of 'Happy Birthday' messages, and had a bouquet waiting at my desk at work from Jen and a coffee from Lauryn. They are so good to me. I got lunch with my mama, who gifted me a gorgeous set of earrings she'd brought back from her latest trip to the British Virgin Islands.

Earlier in the month I had invited a small group of close friends for dinner and a murder mystery file. Jen and Lauryn are fierce women that I have the pleasure to work with at our software company, my beautiful and sweet cousin, Brooke, Katie who I have known since high school and one of my longest friends, and her counterpart, Keaton, along with Matthew’s best friend Gage and his girlfriend Ava. All of these people came from different parts of my life, and meshing them together was surprisingly natural. Kiara’s absence was a living thing, a dull ache that slashed into the conversation with vengeance. Sometimes there was an essence of her in a joke, or a comment, and I felt her loss with a lancing pain.

I am 23 now, an age that she will never touch, she will never know me as I am now. Six months ago, she froze in time, and the further it gets from September 11th the more I try to bring her back to life within my own. I miss her endlessly. I could try to capture the feelings in words all day long, and I've tried to do it justice, I cannot.

I knew that she would be a missing piece of the day. I knew I would think about her and miss her an extra amount. But I tried to think about other things, I tried very hard not to crawl into a little hole inside myself and allow myself to be devastated. Instead, I bought blueberry danishes from La Mie Bakery and gave them to Jen, Lauryn, and Tyson, I got lunch with my Mama and gushed over the earrings she gave me, I laughed and made jokes and let myself have fun. There is room for sadness tomorrow, but not today. I allowed myself to focus on all of the good things in my life and none of the bad. I ignored texts from people that I didn't want to see, and everyone else I thanked with graciousness. I looked at the people who rallied behind me and celebrated that I am here.

It is easy to fall into comparison and loss on a milestone. But I believe that it takes strength to get up and go through the motions even if it feels fake. If I hadn't planned a dinner and invited people over, I would've thought that no one wanted to spend my day with me. If I hadn't planned the activity I might not have liked what I was doing and felt like no one even knew what I liked. But I can do those things for myself, and then bask in the love that falls into place afterwards. I've learned that I am my best advocate. Through throwing my own birthday party I got to see my friends come through for me! Lauryn made me a gorgeous birthday cake (check in out in the camera roll), Jen braved a nose bleed, everyone made due with hanging out in a one bedroom apartment, and most importantly- we solved a f*cking murder.

So- I challenge you this year to make the most of your birthday. Take yourself on a date, or start your day with your favorite breakfast. Make it special. You deserve to feel good. Don't allow yourself to wallow in what isn't going right and focus on everything you have to be grateful for- nothing is guaranteed. Take pictures, and make memories.

Okay- my thesis is getting a little over run with the cliches I'm spouting right now so I am going to wrap it up. Thank you for coming with me through my birthday, I felt all the fucking love <3